Monday, 5 September 2016

Truth Hurts

Salam. Hai. Dah lama tak update blog. Aku tak sure korang nampak ke tak gambar2 yang ada di blog ni dulu tapi aku tak nampak. Aku hanya nampak tanda seru besar2 kat tempat yg sepatutnya ada gambar.

Entahlah kenapa jadi macam tu. Nanti je ubah. Kahkah

OK WARNING! This post might be full of negativity but there wasn't any place that I could throw out my true feelings other than here. There are close people but I cannot speak out wholly because they always interrupt/giving me advice when all I need is for them to listen. Only.

These days had been really hard for me. I got happy in a day, and sadness in the next five days. That pretty much sums up how my life had been since forever. That's why sometimes I'm afraid to be happy. There's always a price for that.

I told my diamonds about what I have gone through, what happen and what not. For some, they might have known what this post is about. And they have given various responses which some of them are exactly what I was thinking and some of them are not.

What Eli said was a whole truth.

She didn't leave us because she wanted to go back to her place. That wasn't her main intention. That was only excuses.

Truth is, she gets tired of us. She has no more priorities on this family. She wanted to live on her own, without having to take care of us or give us any more money. Because she feels like "Nak buat apa stay kat situ, dah tak ada kena mengena. Buat apa aku nak kena bagi duit kat dorang pulak. Dorang bukan anak aku. Mak sendiri ada"

That's why she went straight to my mother.

I know I sound so fast jumping into conclusions but for those who had never experience having a stepmother, you won't understand. I already had two stepmothers and both of them sucks after my father left. The first one was so nice in the beginning but after divorcement she openly showed her true self. And the same situation is coming again.

Logically, if she really wants to go back to her place, it would take around 5-6 months to save money. Because she had just renewed her passport last two weeks. I was the one who accompanied her to Chow Kit. Renewing passport is not that cheap. Takkanlah around 5-6 months tu kau tak boleh nak duduk sini dulu? Sangat tidak logik.

Apa agaknya perasaan abah kalau tau kau dah taknak jaga kitorang? Memang kitorang dah besar tapi apa yang kau janji dengan abah aku? Ingat tak janji kau waktu abah sakit dulu?

Aku dah lama simpan tau. Bila kau selalu sebut pasal taknak duduk ngan kitorang dah, aku diam je. Sebab aku ingatkan main2. Adik kata kau dah banyak kali sebut taknak duduk dengan kitorang kalau aku dan ejad dah kahwin. Kau suruh pulak adik duduk dengan makngah.

Aku tak kisah la kau nak pergi ke apa, aku cuma kesian kat adik aku sebab dia masih tak boleh fikir yang kau sebenarnya selfish. Walaupun aku cerita kat dia yang kawan2 aku pun cakap benda sama pasal kau, dia masih nak percayakan kau.

Yes I might sound very harsh and negative but I don't easily trust people dengan alasan bodoh camtu. No. Kalau betul nak balik, nak kumpul duit, benda tu akan amik masa lama. Dan kau boleh je balik sini at least seminggu sekali. Tak luak pun duit kau lah kalau takat tidur satu malam je kat sini dalam seminggu.

Barang rumah pun aku jugak yang beli 2-3 bulan ni. Sebab kau jarang balik. Tanya aku ada duit ke takda ke mana pernah. Gas pun aku beli. Sorry la ungkit tapi melampau la? Aku bayar semua sebelum ni kau boleh je nak balik. Tapi sekarang? Siap pesan kat adik jangan gaduh2 la apa la. Seolah2 memang dah menyampah nak balik.

Kalau dah tak sayang, dah taknak jaga, dah benci, dah taknak tunaikan wasiat abah, cakap terus terang. Tak payah nak pakai orang ketiga. Kalau taknak jumpa face to face pun, whatsapp ada. Call boleh.

Kecewa. Kecewa teruk.

Orang yang aku harapkan, yang abah harapkan, rupanya tak tahan lama pun. Walaupun aku ni dah besar, dah boleh hidup sendiri tapi aku pun ada perasaan jugak. Aku bukannya patung. Orang datang dan pergi macam tu je dalam hidup aku, mestilah aku sedih. Kecewa. Manusia mana je yang boleh terima sekelip mata?

Ye, memang aku kata macam ni lagi senang. Hidup 3 orang je. Tak payah ada orang luar. Tapi aku dah hidup dengan dia dah lama. Dah 5 tahun. Gila apa boleh lupa macam tu je? Gila ke tak sedih?

Paling kesian kat adik aku yang perempuan tu. Dari kecik dah tak dapat kasih sayang seorang ibu. Bertukar2 je. Time dah serasi betul dengan mak tiri, dia pulak nak blah camtu je.

Rasa nak menjerit sekuat hati. Tapi hati pun dah penat. Tak larat nak jerit2 bagai. Mampu nangis je sampai air mata kering sendiri. Sampai tertidur sendiri. Tu je.

Kadang2 rasa putus asa nak hidup. Tapi bila teringat orang sekeliling yang masih sayang aku, aku cuba jugak kuatkan diri. Paling penting sekali sebab aku ingat janji aku pada abah waktu abah koma. Aku ingat apa yang aku bisik kat telinga arwah. Dan aku akan tunaikan. Aku taknak jadi orang munafik yang suka mungkir janji. Kalau aku pun abaikan janji aku, aku sama je ngan dia.

Dan untuk orang yang tanya aku ok ke tak sebenarnya, aku tak ok. Buat masa sekarang susah nak ok.


Thursday, 11 February 2016

Childhood memories

I was so active back then, as a kid. A little bit rough, maybe. Because I have more boy friends than girl friends honestly. I can ride on bikes and have some kind of races with them. I play football. I can cook with the sand as the rice, the leaves as the vegetables and the flowers as the side dishes.  I can play hide and seek at those places people never even thought I would go.

I have never afraid of anything back then. Except for if I did something really wrong and my mom will get angry of it -- oh that reminds me of something:

I have once ran away from my school because I really hate going to school when I was in standard one. My first day was a disaster, I cried a lot. Because I don't know anybody. They were just some scary strangers to me. My friends were not in the same class as me. Some of them were older than me. Well, they were friends from my residential area. And some of them actually didn't like to go to school either. My mom didn't send me to school everyday, I ride a van. So after the van sent me, I decided to run away from school with my friends.

We hang out at a stall near the school. Just having some snacks that made us happy back then. We walked through the residential area near school, found a playground and spend the time there. Once the school hours almost ended, we went back. And for the first time that I ran away from school (and surely the last), I get caught, unfortunately. Haha

The security guard actually saw us coming back in front of the school where the vans and buses usually wait for students there. We went back earlier than we should so the guard got suspicious since we wore school uniforms and waited outside of the school when the school hours have not finished, yet. So obviously we have skipped school. He brought us to our class respectively and I was pretty ashamed because I was the only one who didn't come to school on that day.

The teacher called my mom and explained everything and yeap, my mom got really mad at me. I was grounded from seeing my friends for a few days. My dad was far away from us because we were in Perak, he had job in Selangor. So when my mom told him about me, he wanted to talk to me on the phone but I avoided him. Haha.

But how long can you avoid him, honey? Haha sooner or later I will have to talk to him anyway. Well when he got back home that month, I stay silent most of the time. I know he was mad but he didn't show it. Starting from that incident, I made a promise to myself that I won't skipped school no more.

(But getting into universities, I still skipped classes anyway xD the difference is that my parents didn't know haha)

Don't tell them :p
But there was one thing that scared me to death, the story that my mom told about having kutu on my head. You know, girls have higher possibilities to have kutu on their head especially for an active girl like me who wasn't taught to wear tudung since I was small. We have long hair and it's pretty hard to take care of. Playing with my girl friends opened up possibilities for me having that thing on my head. I hate it very much when my mom asked me to sit on her lap while she crashes those tiny creatures on my head. I felt uneasy. And it annoyed me a lot.

So I would avoid it everytime my mom asked me to sit on her lap. But there is this story that she told me that scares me a lot and makes me lose my sleep. She said,

"Kalau tak buang nanti dia beranak banyak2 lepastu semua berkumpul atas kepala lepastu ramai2 nanti terbang bawak kakak terbang sekali haaa"


That was scary. I was a kid and I imagined it very well that they (those tiny creatures) can somehow cooperate all together and flies me somewhere I don't know.

How could my mom lied to me :( Hahah when I have grown up then only I know that story was a total lie. LOL what a noobies

Anyway, there were a lot of memories that I have made during my childhood, some of them were sealed properly in my parts of the brain, perhaps the bad one, and some of them I can still remember clearly, perhaps they were a good one :)

Surely there is more that I would like to tell but then you will stuck reading here until you have kids. Lol

Wish I could go back to being a kid. But then as a kid, I would like to grow older.

Life is so confusing.

Friday, 1 January 2016

New Hope

Hello 2016, welcoming a new year, hoping for the best yet to come this year!

Been facing a lot of life challenges these past few weeks but alhamdulillah, I am still surviving till now. Well, yeah, talking bout life challenges, this wasn't my first time, indeed I think it is my 1000th time lol God loves me very much, that's all I can think about in staying strong ^^

Anyway, I'm starting this new year with positive vibes (I hope) bcs I'm trying to be calmer than before, with less useless sensitive feelings, trying my best not to overthink everything and staying stronger than ever, yeap, I am trying my best :)

Since tahun lepas takde azam, tahun ni ade azam ciked. My azams include:
- Taknak mengeluh/Kurangkan mengeluh dengan nikmat yang Allah dah bagi
- Taknak tinggal solat especially Subuh!!! Ya Allah please help me
- Taknak cepat melatah, nak hati ni lebih tenang, banyakkan beristighfar ye Azani
- Nak lepaskan Hafizul pergi keje kat Jepun dengan tenang (Kalau tu keputusan dia)
- Nak buat master leklok, nak produce at least 2 papers, kalau dapat one paper dalam masa setahun, boleh convert ke phd, please pray for me!
- Nak kurangkan mencarut especially kalau memandu kat jalan raya :(

Dan yang paling penting, nak serahkan sebelah buah pinggang kepada abah supaya abah boleh hidup macam orang biasa sehingga hari-hari tuanya. Ya Allah pinjamkanlah abah kepada kami lebih lama dan Kau panjangkanlah umurnya. Amin.

Tadi makngah dengan pakngah datang, diorang suggest buat transplant surgery instead of those long term dialysis process sebab akan makan banyak duit and can lead to other viruses as well kalau tak jaga hygiene. They said instead of bazirkan masa and amik risiko yang banyak by doing dialysis, try to ask the doctor if we can do transplant surgery. Just one go, and tak perlu ambil banyak risiko.

I have suggested it to my dad since the first time I suspect him to have the kidney failure but my dearest people here, which dad would accept his daughter's kidney for himself? Nope, there's no dad in the world is willing to do that.

But alhamdulillah, the presence of makngah and pakngah today I believe has helped a little bit in convincing my dad to do the transplant surgery. Because he is not that old, he is still young, he needs to live longer for his children, for me, at least. I need him, I still need him and I will always need him. My forever hero.

I hope Allah will ease everything for us. Amin.

So let's hope for better things to come this year and afterwards. InsyaAllah, when there's a will, there's always a way :)

Till then.

Sunday, 13 December 2015


Remember the date?

That day was your first time confessing that you love me
And that was my first time replying yours, too

Today is 13/12/15
It's been three years since then

And I love you still.
I always will.


Thursday, 12 November 2015

Azani dah grad :D

Assalamualaikum and Hi!

Baru ada masa nak update bloggg (tak, actually banyak je masa tapi malas :p)

But this time rasanya kena update sebab last two weeks there's a very important event telah berlaku in my life. Ha? Apa? Kahwin? Noooo, it's my graduation day! (Walaupun sebenarnya aku tau korang takkan terfikir nak tanya perkataan kahwin tu pun sebab jelas2 tertulis kat tajuk tu aku dah grad hahahaha)

So, alhamdulillah, bersyukur saya ke hadrat Ilahi kerana dengan limpah kurnianya saya telah berjaya menamatkan pengajian dalam bidang sains Kimia! Alhamdulillah!

After 3 years of struggling and hardwork (lah sangat) akhirnya berjaya jugak aku naik pentas tak sampai 5 saat untuk menerima sekeping Ijazah Sarjanamuda Sains dengan Kepujian (Kimia).

Jujurnya waktu form 5 dulu aku mana ada target langsung nak amik kimia. Trust me! Takde perkataan kimia langsung dalam target.

Bukti! Hahahaha
Paling bongok sebab ingat senang sangat nak bukak syarikat sendiri bila dah jadi penulis novel? Hahahaha!

Entah macam mana lah aku boleh tersangkut dengan kimia ni. Rasanya sejak kat matrik dulu kot. Tapi waktu kat matrik tu semua subjek aku okay je (dalam course aku lah, which means Physics memang dah out kahkah). So there are Mathematics, Chemistry, Biology & Computer Science.

Comp. Sc tu aku tak minat sangat sebab ada programming bagai, ai kenot brain dear hahaha so, tinggal la Bio, Math dengan Chem. And waktu tu aku fikir kalau amik Bio ni jenuh nak hafal macam2 lepas ni, dah lah cuti lama gila lepas matrik, confirm otak berkarat. Hahaha math pulak, boleh je nak amik sebab aku memang suka math, suka gila gila. Tapi aku risau sebab takut peluang keje sikit. Then, chemistry pulakk, aku suka jugakkkk cuma aku tak suka nak buat lab report bagai. Tapi antara Chem dengan Math, Chem lagi banyak peluang kerja kot?

So, in the end, aku pilih jugak lah Kimia ni sebagai pilihan pertama. Dan yang kedua pulak, maths.

Klik untuk tumbesaran
Alhamdulillah, rezeki aku yang telah tertulis di Luh Mahfuz adalah aku dapat pilihan pertama tu. Abah la orang paling happy sebab UKM dekat je sekangkang dari rumah, mana dia tak happy. Takde la jauh sangat dia berpisah dengan anak sulung dia ni.

Dan setelah tiga tahun yang penuh suka dan duka, akhirnya aku tamat jugak pengajian di UKM. Perasaan?

- sedih sebab terpaksa berpisah dengan kawan kawan
- gembira sebab dah terlepas dari azab assignments dan exams
- confuse sebab taktau lepas grad nak buat apa

But now, Allah dah tentukan jalan aku. Daripada aku mula degree, sampai ke intern, sampai sekarang pun rezeki aku masih dalam UKM jugak. Intern mohon berpuluh tempat, tapi yang dapatnya dalam UKM jugak. Institut Sel Fuel. Siapa tau aku akan sambung master kat sini? Haha perancangan Allah indeed is the best :)

Alhamdulillah, takde kata2 yang dapat menggambarkan betapa aku bersyukur dengan apa yang aku ada sekarang. Family pun okay, sejak diduga bertubi-tubi dulu, aku dah mula nampak hikmah atas semua yang jadi. Dan hikmahnya tak lain tak bukan, untuk menjadikan aku lebih kuat, dan hubungan kekeluargaan yang lebih rapat. Alhamdulillah, sekarang ni kalau kat rumah takde salah sorang, rase sunyi sangat. Rase tak lengkap. Bila semua ada kat rumah, makan satu meja sama-sama, rasa bahagia sangat. Sebab dulu jarang macam tu :') Walaupun tak mewah macam orang lain, cukuplah andainya kita saling melengkapi antara satu sama lain. That's all matters :)

Penghargaan ditujukan especially untuk family aku, ibu, abah, acik, ejad, adik-adik. Ibu, walaupun tak dapat datang tengok akak tapi kejayaan ni untuk ibu. Doa ibu yg menjayakan akak, semangat yg ibu bg kat akak bila akak tengah sedih, tengah stress, semua tu akak takkan lupa sampai mati. Abah, terima kasih sebab sanggup tahan panas kat luar walaupun dah ajak masuk dewan taknak (geram jugak hahaha) tapi abah sanggup berpanas tunggu akak keluar dewan, belikan bunga etc. Aduhhh lemah betul dah mengalir air mata hahaha

Sobs sobs.

Me aceh abah. Perut tu penting hihihi
Seterusnya untuk seseorang yang jadi backbone aku since the first day aku masuk UKM. Actually dari sebelum aku masuk UKM pun. My other half, Mr. Hafizul Asyraf bin Ahmad. Terima kasih awak sebab datang haritu, belikan kite bunga, teddy bear yang kite dah bagi nama Pijong tu, pastu culik kite bawak pergi Mines, tengok wayang walaupun lencun kena hujan dalam perjalanan tu. Terima kasih awak. Terima kasih sebab support kite selama ni, marah kite bila kite malas buat keje, bagi semangat kat kite time kite tengah sedih, and the most important thing is that, thank you for being there whenever I need ya :')

Herms sis rapuh everytimeee hahahaha
Untuk bebigals aku, Shahirah, Myra, Erne, mekasehhhh awak awak sume sebab sudi berkawan ngan ittew. Hahaha. Mai kat depa terus rasa nak tergedik-gedik. Lama tak menggedik. Sobs. Sedih sebab dah tak dapat nak pegi kelas sama-sama, makan sama-sama, tidur sama-sama, malas p kelas pun sama-sama. Tiru assignments berjemaah, exams kenyit2 mata berjemaah. I'm gonna miss all that so much. Good luck kat korang pasni, sama ada bekerja ke sambung belajar ke, may Allah ease everything. Tahniah sume! Muah ciked.

Dari kiri: Myra, Erne, awak punya, Shahirah
Dan untuk kengkawan yang lain, Amy, Ziera, El, classmates, dan sesiapa yang mengenali, dah grad atau belum tu tak kisah lah, good luck in ur future life, semoga Allah permudahkan segala urusan kalian. Terima kasih atas ucapan, bunga, semangat dan dorongan yang telah diberikan sepanjang kita berkawan. Minta maaf salah dan silap andai ada yang terguris etc (Biasalah, ayat cliche) Hahaha semoga ukhuwah berkekalan hingga ke syurga <3

Mekaseh sumee, first time dpt mungeee :3
And to myself, terima kasih sebab berjaya menjadi seorang yang tabah dan kuat menempuhi segala dugaan hidup. Teruskan hidup dan bersyukur dengan apa yang dah ada sekarang. InsyaAllah.


Credit to Mr. Photographer <3
Till then :)

Dialog di bawah hanya gurauan semata.
Lesson learned? Len kali jangan tulis benda cheesy, kat dunia ni ramai setan bertopengkan manusia hahahahahaha

Pijong: Dalam banyak banyak kawan, siapa paling setan?
Me: Mestilah Amy.