Let's say ...

Let's say you have someone you like.
No, I mean someone you really like.
You have crush on him for years.
You fall for him everyday since you know him.
You barely know him at first, he did not even catch up your attention.
But then he approaches you everyday.
And somehow you realize that there's someone out there who cares.
Cares about everything that involves you.
When you get to know him day by day, you get attracted.
Everything he ever said constantly played on your mind.
Everyday you wait for him to go online, just to see how he's doing.
You checked his facebook/twitter first rather than yours.
Though you have never met him, you opened up your heart, just in case if he likes you too.
And when you know he did, you feel like you're in a dream.
A fairytale.
Everyday you woke up, cheerful, because reality is finally better than your dreams.
You have been through a lot, you have no one to talk to.
And then he came, he gave you his attention.
He makes you believe that he can be trusted. He makes you realize that he's there when no one else was.
He makes you believe that there's someone out there who is willing to accept your flaws.
He fix all of your broken pieces.
And when he's not there, it seems like a part of you is missing too.
And then one day he changed.
But he changed for your own benefit.
He thinks about you more than you did.
He thought he hurt you so bad that he wanted to leave.
He thought that if he leaves, you could be happy.
You won't get hurt.
But you just don't understand.
You thought he's simply leaving.
You thought he doesn't care about you anymore.
You thought he's being selfish.
He can't explain, because he knows even if he did, it will hurt you even more.
But you just wait.
You waited for him everyday to explain.
You checked his profile everyday just to see if he ever say anything about you.
But no, there's nothing.
You feel a little messed up.
You have loads of thoughts but you just can't say anywhere.
Because you don't want him to know your pain.
You drafted loads of posts because you know you can't publish, you can only spit everything out.
You go through your day everyday like what normal people did.
The only difference is when night came out.
That's when you feel so weak.
Weaker than how you are doing during the day.
And it goes the same everyday until you decided to move on, alone.
And when you almost succeed, he came back.
He said he was wrong.
He was egoistic.
And you have to pretend like nothing happened.
You opened up your heart once again.
Because you love him that much.
The impact was so big that you could still cry talking about them.
But then no matter what happened previously, you realize that you can't live without him very well.
You need him to be by your side.
Because he's the one who can makes you smile when you're sad.
Wherever you go, you see him.
Every part of your life reminds you of him.
And there it goes, you just fall for him everyday.
This time you fall even harder.
 And you thought your happiness would last forever.
Because he's the only one you think of every time you woke up and the last one you think of every time you are about to sleep.
 You like him that much.
And everyday it goes better and better and you know, he's only one you want.
The only want you are willing to spend the rest of your life with.
Until one day, the history repeats.
This time he left without saying goodbye.
You don't realize it at first.
You thought it was just a self reflection a week before.
He wanted to change to be a better person.
And you wanted to help him.
So you give him space and time, to reflect.
You did the same as well.
You tried your best not to bother him.
Because you know that won't change anything.
Until one day, he texted you.
He said he understands how you're feeling.
He reminds you to have faith.
And then you get confused.
You have no hard feelings towards him, instead, you're trying to help him.
But he thought he hurt you.
He read something that wasn't meant for him.
You was once, no, twice, explain that everything you posted on that account wasn't always meant to him.
Sometimes you were just simply share them.
You never thought that your action is counted as doubting him.
And you tried to change everything, the url, everything.
Because you don't want him to get hurt.
You tried to explain once again.
You woke up this one day just to tell him that it wasn't meant for him.
You give him a song, to support him.
Because you know, he has problems to handle though he did not tell you anything.
But everything turned out into something you never thought it would be.
He doesn't like it.
You did not even get the chance to explain, because you know it's just ain't right.
Maybe it's not that day.
Maybe it's not your lucky day.
And all you could tell him is that to pretend like you never do what you did that morning.
You realize you have made a mistake.
You realize what you did was useless.
You know he had loads of problems but then you keep asking yourself why did you bother him in the first place.
You regretted it all day.
And you decided not to say anything until he recovers.
You don't want to be such a burdensome to a person who means a lot to you.
Because his happiness is more important than yours.
You keep silent and luckily your busyness helped you.
Everyday you were just hoping, keep hoping that one fine day, he will be okay.
He will recover.
Until you read something that finally show where you stand all these while.
You don't know how to react.
You don't know if that was meant for you too.
You tell yourself you can't assume.
You tell yourself, be patience, maybe it's not for you.
You keep telling, it was for someone else.
It wasn't for you.
But after a while you realize, you lied to no one, but yourself.
And hence, there you are.
Numb.
Just numb.
Trying the very best not to care, trying the very best to be happy.
Trying the very best to keep thinking, it wasn't for you.
It wasn't for you.
You can't face reality.
Not yet.
And you know where all of these came from.
So you made up your mind to delete everything.
Everything that makes him sad.
You deleted the account, so he won't see anything that hurts him anymore.
You wanted to tell him how much you have trusted him, that you're not doubting him.
But you just can't.
So you keep silent.
You pretend like nothing is happening.
Your ego controls you.
But in the end, you know you lied to one, but yourself.
You thought you could face all of these once again.
You thought you used to it already since this is not the first time.
But you realize you're wrong.
The feelings are still the same.
You have no one to talk to.
You don't want to seem weak.
You don't want to seem needy.
No matter what happen you tried your best to hide everything.
Until the day you reached your limit and burst out everything, to no one but Him.
Though it hurts a lot this time, but you still keep your faith.
You believe things will get back to normal soon.
Because this is not your first time.
You know someday, no, you hope someday he will realize that you need him more than he think.
And for the time being all you could do is keep praying.
And hoping.
You go through everyday strong.
You know he think about you the way he did before.
He cared more than you think.
You keep that in mind everyday.
You checked your phone all the time just in case if the day you waited for has come.
You checked his profile everyday that you hope he will talk to you.
You tell yourself you won't beg him to stay.
Because you did that twice, and you won't do that for the third time.
You have no right to hold him.
And hope, are what holds you.

BAKSIS 2013/2014

Assalamualaikum :)

Tepat jam 6 petang tadi sampai UKM, balik dari berprogram selama 3 hari 2 malam di Kampung Endah, Banting untuk program Bakti Siswa (BAKSIS) 2013/2014. Alhamdulillah lega gilaaaaaa pasal berpenatan selama seminggu untuk persiapan program. Actually seminggu lebih jugak lah kot sebab balik UKM awal dari tarikh pendaftaran sem baru. Tak menyempat nak tengok fon pun. Tweet pun tak menyempat. Lels

Mula dari perkampungan tu dah terasa bahang nak berprogram sebenarnya. Hahaha. Even aku under post yang kurang penting pun, but still kena ambil tahu tugas post2 lain and sama2 tolong diorang jugak. Actually aku under post sukan dan permainan, but at the same time, aku under post publisiti jugak lah. So aku diberi tugas untuk sediakan design mural untuk dinding dewan serbaguna tu. Tu yg kinda busy betul sampai tak menang tangan.

Hari Rabu dan Khamis petang sampai malam busy ber-rehearsal. Balik pun lewat dan lepastu terus tidur. Jumaat, pagi2 buta jam 9 dah ada dkat tempat untuk berkumpul. Sebab AJK kena bertolak awal ke Banting, naik kereta yang ada ah. Meanwhile peserta yg lain after solat Jumaat baru bertolak.

Biasa ah, kata Melayu kan? Hahaha jam 9 kat depan DAM, jam 10 baru nak bertolak. Zzzz. Dekat kul 12 baru sampai kat kampung tu. Pehh serious cakap, first time aku jumpa kampung yang betul2 rupa kampung, tenang, cantik dan bersih. Terpana terpaku terkesima sekejap. Wahaha poyonyaa. Tapi serious cantik ._.

Sampai je kat situ, Pak Ngah yang sambut kitorang. Pak Ngah ni kira orang kuat organisasi jugak ah. Ketua kampungnya nama Wak Lan. Untuk pengetahuan Banting ni kira tempat orang jawa jugak. So kampung Endah ni salah satu perkampungan yang boleh kata majoritinya orang Jawa. Ada ah jugak blaja beberapa perkataan Jawa. Kekekeke

Gimik perasmian punya props

Then buat preparation untuk majlis perasmian pembukaan dan majlis penyerahan anak angkat. Katanya ada lebih kurang 12 keluarga yg terlibat dengan pengambilan anak angkat ni. And setiap keluarga majoriti akan dapat 2 orang anak angkat, tapi ada jugak yg dapat 4 orang. Pak Ngah punya anak semuanya lelaki melayu terakhir seramai 6 orang hahaha sebab tu je jumlah lelaki yg ada. So semua laki jadi anak angkat beliau. Hiks

Aku dengan Myra dapat jadi adik beradik angkat kekekeke family terangkat kitorang baik gileeeee serious. Makan tak pernah tak cukup. Rumah besar gile walaupun papan. Bilik ada aircond. Katil pengantin. Wahaha eh maksud iols katil king kong. Pastu kalau nak kemana2 disediakan moto. Senang citer layanan memang first class baq hang! :3

Lepas majlis pembukaan dan penyerahan tu lah kitorang first time dtg umah keluarga angkat. Hehehe. Maluuuuuuuuu kahkahkah awkward giler first time sebab tak kenal pastu aku ni dahlah jenis tak reti sangat nak borak ngan orang tua. Sebaik mak angkat tu sporting, dia yg banyak cakap. Pastu Myra tolong back up ah. Aku sengih2 je wakakakaka

Cemana nak ngadap bakal mak mertua ni? Lulz

Malam tu ada program motivasi dengan Dr. Rizafizah. Actually dak2 Kimia ni memang dah biasa sangat dengar motivasi beliau dalam kuliah. Hahaha. Kadang rasa sakit hati pasal ayat2 beliau. Beliau mmg jenis yang berterus terang yg amat. Pedas memang pedas, sampai tak tertelan. Huhu. So kami mmg dah biasa. So waktu malam tu tahan jelah telinga dengar. Mihihihi alhamdulillah, naik lah jugak semangat. Kot ._.

Malam pertama tido kat umah mak, berlagak ah ni pasang aircond waktu nak tido. Sekali pukul 3 pagi terjaga pasal sejuk nak mamps. Menggigil teruk. First time bibir sampai bergetar waktu tidur. Padahal dah berselimut dah ni. Tapi nipis jelah selimutnya. Taktau plak akan sesejuk tu. Dengan kudrat yg masih ada aku bangun terus tutup aircond. Hahahaha tak tahannnnn. Pastu bukak kipas nombor 1 je. Aish

Sabtu. Aktiviti dari pagi sampai lah ke petang sebelum asar, OPKIM atau nama panjangnya Operasi Khidmat Masyarakat. Ada pembahagian antara penanaman pokok, lukisan mural dengan rewang. Tapi walaupun ada pembahagian, semua orang still dapat rasa buat semua benda. Best! Setiap orang dapat 1 anak pokok dengan polibag berisi tanah, pastu kena tanam, siram and tulis nama. Katanya beberapa tahun akan datang, tengok sape punya pokok yg hidup hehehe :D

Leader untuk lukisan mural. Poyonyaaaa haha

Sebenarnya kalau ikutkan ada 2 design untuk mural. Tapi kedua2 katanya tak menepati citarasa orang2 tua ni. Wak Lan katanya nak design yang menepati ciri2 kemelayuan. So hasilnya macam kat atas tu lah yang paling senang. Kekeke

Pastu petang tu ada sukaneka. Tapi sukaneka yang memang untuk suka-suka je. Kelakar yang amatttt. Walaupun game simple je. Main kerusi muzik, tiup belon jangan pecah dengan lambung belon berair. Part last tu memang basah ah citer dia. Pasal jarak makin lama makin jauh. Hahaha. Tapi serius best! Part kerusi muzik tu mmg dari sekolah rendah lagi main tak pernah menang hahaha rasa nak tolak je semorang xD

Then maghrib tu balik rumah keluarga angkat, makan dan solat, kemudian kumpul semula kat dewan jam 9. Time malam ni kitorang blajar buat kraftangan sambil rewang. Hehehe. Kraftangan kampung biasa ah pakai daun kelapa mostly. Tapi yg kitorang blaja ni satu je. Katanya keris. Haha orang kampung situ laa panggil keris.

Keris kampung Endah. Kalau hunus ke pencuri confirm tak mati. Lels

Kalau nak blaja buat, boleh PM saya. Kekeke mana lah tahu, boleh buat hiasan rumah :p

And then dlm masa yg sama rewang untuk hari Ahad pulak. Sebab Ahad nak masak nasi Ambeng. So malam tu kopek bawang merah, bawang putih, masak serunding dan macam2 lagi.

Serious dah lama sangat tak bersuasana kampung macam ni. Sangat rindu kampung ...

Malam kedua kat rumah mak, dah tau dah mesti sejuk. So awal2 tak bukak aircond, bukak kipas je. Tu pun nombor 1. Lol. Balik2 tu memang terus tidur. Kepenatan.

Ahad, hari terakhir. Hari ni lah maknanya. Pagi2 pukul 9 kumpul kat dewan, rewang masak nasi Ambeng. Bersihkan taugeh, bersihkan ayam, asingkan pucuk ubi dan macam2 lagi. Memang meriah habis. Pastu buat preparation untuk majlis penutup. After majlis penutup ada sesi fotografi and then baru makan reramai dalam talam. Alhamdulillah, everything went well :)

Habis majlis dalam pukul 2.30 camtu lah. Bas katanya datang 3.30. So sempat ah mandi kejap kat rumah. Pastu sesi perpisahan lah paling sedih. Wuuu. Mak ada bekalkan kerepek ubi, katanya orang kampung situ memang terkenal dengan kerepek aje. Hehe pastu banyak jugak la kasi nasihat kat kitorang. Terharu gile kot. Abah pulak jenis diam je. Jarang betul jumpa abah. Sebab kitorang balik program pun dah lewat, abah pun dah tidur. Tapi waktu hari terakhir tu abah ada lah teman hantar kami ke bas. Hehe

Kampung Endah ni katanya slalu tempat orang shooting filem sebab rumah2nya cantik. Bertuah ah yang duduk situ. Berkali2 menang kampung tercantik dalam negeri Selangor. Tapi politiknya of course ah kuat UMNO. Lelssssssssss boleh kata setiap rumah ada terpampar bendera UMNO. Kekeke

Apa2 pun alhamdulillah, bersyukur sebab berjaya jugak buat program kat tempat orang. Bila dah kat tempat orang ni, mesti la kita ikut budaya mereka kan. Sebenarnya kalau ikut tentatif dengan hari program, memang kebanyakannya bercanggah. Sebab kita datang tempat orang, orang nak kita buat apa, kita kena lah ikut kan. Walaupun pada asalnya kita plan nak buat benda lain. Apa2 pun, perjalanan 3 hari 2 malam ni memang menarik dan banyak tinggalkan kenangan manis :')

Mak ngan abah.

Hehehe. First time dapat keluarga angkat, dapat kenal mak, abah, adik2 yang dah besor, kakak2, abang2. Kehkehkeh seronok aaaa rasa nak buat program lagi sekali je lain kali hahaha legaaaa sebab dah tamat. Sekarang boleh aaa fokus untuk program terdekat iaitu Lawatan Industri and Family Day bulan Mac nanti. Maybe buat kat Perak kot. Tahun lepas buat kat Johor. :)

Anyway maaf lah kalau ada yang terasa dengan kata2 aku ke apa. And maaf kalau terasa aku tak layan ke apa. Tapi serious memang busy since balik UKM untuk perkampungan haritu. Ni pun baru je balik dari meeting kebudayaan. UKM ni memang Universiti Kuat Meeting, kalau nak tahu. Sampaikan borak2 dengan roommate tadi, Ziera kata, "Dah lama tak gelak2 gurau senda dengan kau macam ni." Hahaha

Okay serious, dengan ini saya menyusun 20 jari yang ada memohon ampun dan maaf andai ada yang terkasar atau terasa di mana2. Saya takda simpan apa2 yang tak puas hati pun dalam hati ni. Seboleh2nya taknak ada masalah dengan sesiapa. :)

InsyaAllah lepas ni tak busy sangat kot, kecuali bila dah nak dekat dengan lawatan industri nanti lah. Nasib baik esok 1 class je pukul 2-3 petang. So sempat ah nak update belog kejap. Hehehe

Alright, thanks for visiting. May Allah bless, assalamualaikum :D


- Minta doa kawan2, siang tadi dapat berita kurang baik. Nenek kat Perak meninggal dunia. Innalillahi wa inna ilahi raji'un. Semoga arwah ditempatkan dalam kalangan yang beriman. Al-fatihah -

:')

Currently bothered by few things but don't know how to tell and where to start. So I come out with a du'a instead.

Oh Allah,
Forgive me if I went too much.
Forgive me if I ever be rude to my parents.
Forgive me if I can't control myself at times.
Forgive me if I end up complaining about everything You ever gave.

Oh Allah,
If I ever get married,
If I ever get the chance to become a mother,
Please always remind me,
Not to ask anything from my daughters and sons,
For my own benefits.
Please always remind me,
Not to be selfish.
Please always remind me,
To give the very best to them.

Oh Allah,
Help me to understand the hikmah between everything that happened.
I believe in You.

Ameen Ya Rabbal 'Alamin.