Honesty Hour

Bismillah ...

*triple check tengok calendar*
Today is 6 August 2013.
6 August 2013.
6 August 2013.

One year had passed. :-)

This entry is specially made for someone whom I have known for exactly one year, since 6 August 2012. Well you know who you are :3

Ehem.

Dear you,

The previous day was one of my bad days. where honestly I was thinking of letting everything go. due to my problems, which lead to these feelings - insecure, unwanted, annoying, not qualified - for ya. and so, i decided to tell them to you first, at least you could know what bothers me. and probably to relieve this not-good-enough feeling.

so i took a risk (poyyoo enough) and i gave you two questions, it's actually a single question though, the difference was question one was asked before I allow you to read my previous entry which I have drafted it back for some reasons, and the second question was asked after you read the entry. but you did answer the first question only right :p it's okay, your second answer is perhaps the same as the first one. or it is not? ._.

Honestly that not-good-enough feeling has haunted me for the past few months, since the first semester break in January 2013. I did tell this to my roommate, Hazirah 'cause I can't keep it by myself. yet I was afraid to tell ya the truth. and it all comes to only one reason causing to this feeling. it is >>> my family background.

Well if you remember, there was a day when I asked you, "what if your family knows about my family background, can they accept them?" If I'm not mistaken, I asked that on 13 December 2013 - during the confession day lol (''')(''') and your answer did ease me at that time. and I thought I could forget the feeling. but as the day goes on, there are too many tests He gave me, on my family, which keeps the feeling to stay in my mind.

Well, woman is the only creature who really loves to over think. I admit that -.-

And then there were the days where you left me. It was on the end of March to April 2013. Naah, I'm not going to say anything about my feelings at that time 'cause I know you might probably had known them. or you do not? ._. hahaha. I did update them in my blog. well, there's nothing much I could say 'cause to be truth, I've already expect that to happen. and to be truth once again, I've been thinking of doing the same thing >>> letting you go, and the reason is still the same >>> i'm not good enough for ya.

This not-good-enough feeling really kills me -,-

But I don't know, somehow when you made that decision first, it was so hard for me to accept the truth and to live my days normally. though I was thinking of doing the same thing, but I keep asking myself, is this really happen? Waking up everyday asking myself the same question, going to sleep, still asking myself the same question. lol xD

And then the days passed. I realized, during that period of time I learnt how to survive when you're not around. In fact, I should have learn that from the start. because people come and go whenever they want, that's a harsh truth that everyone should accept :-)

*take a deep breath*

Dear you,

I still remembered the first time that we started talking. It's funny to remember those moments. I could smile constantly right now thinking bout that. lol. how come from accidentally posted on someone's wall to check whether his friend has twins or not >>> and then becoming someone who is important in my life today. well I have to admit, sometimes the best things in life are the most unexpected. ^.^

And it's one of the best feelings to realize that among those girls that you've met and talked to, or probably never talked to, you choose to talk to me first and you choose to keep those promises, with me. arigatou gozaimasu :-)

For all the times that we spend together, you waited for hours, you listen to my stories, you gave me advises, you made me smile, those memories, those answers, those confessions, thank you :-)

I might not say often but I truly appreciate what you have done for me. You taught me lot of things, too many things, within this one year. and a simple "thank you" is probably the weakest sign of appreciation I could ever give. Gomen ne >.<

and also ...
Sorry for any harsh words that I've ever throw to you after all these while. Sorry if I've ever break your heart into pieces. Sorry if I've ever made you cry. and Sorry if I've ever made you feel disappointed with my behavior. I am really sorry.

I've promised myself that I would change to a better person and it's not easy but at the same time, it is still possible to do so. Do encourage me and remind me a lot about everything that I should do to change, and please correct me if any of my actions are wrong, well if you don't mind :-) 

I pray for your success and happiness with whoever that Allah has decided to be your halalmate one day. we planned things together, but Allah is the best planner. may He bless you everyday every seconds. insyaAllah :-)

Ehem.

:-)

fuh. penat karang ayat. mimpi apa tah speaking bagai. pui

anyway, I have a lot of confessions to be told buttttt buttttttt I can't tell them here, and I can't tell them now. soooooooo, it will come out randomly I guess, through my tweets, or ... random talks or ... errr. whatever. later, one day. or ... maybe when I'm ready -_- hahaha. gile

that's all. thanks readers. salam 6 August! bhahahah bye assalamualaikum :D

p/s: Em, awak! mekaseh sebab sudi sabar ketika membaca entri yang panjang melebar ini. kalau boleh, jagakan hati tu *tunjuk ke hati awak* untuk saya, dan saya akan jagakan hati ni *tunjuk ke hati saya* untuk awak. insyaAllah. jumpa dalam tautan hati, fi hifzillah <3 douzo arigatou gozaimasu! :-)